youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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