Im at strip club and am horny
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
