he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
