I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
