Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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