apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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