All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Actions speak louder than pants.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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