You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
