while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
