iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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