Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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