just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
