A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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