i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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