I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
