I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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