R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
