Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
