when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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