I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
