Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
