Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
