i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
