In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
