Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
