Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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