Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize