I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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