YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
