"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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