Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
