i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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