If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
