I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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