Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
