My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
