I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
