I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My life is pants optional.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
