My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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