Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
