I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
