oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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