I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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