it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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