lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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