the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize