You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
