i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
