Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
