You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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