Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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