if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
