i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The power of my boobs compel you
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
