Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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