Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize