I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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