We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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