I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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